What is IF?

Last year, I was on a small break from my life. I had taken an unplanned trip to the US for a little R&R…Ok, let me be honest, I was bonkers. I was a little crazy and needed to get my head back on straight. Here’s the short of it, I had tried to do too much in Rwanda on my own strength. Christine Caine said at this year’s IF Gathering, “If you put yourself up there, you have to keep yourself there.” And man, I was trying, but I was tired. I was worn out, I was done.

In February 2014, I was at my parent’s home, sitting in the recliner, in my OU hoodie, under my OU blanket (just trying to paint a picture for you). Someone had posted something somewhere about something called IF:. I clicked on the link and it took me to this live feed out of Austin, TX and this small blonde lady said something about that IF God is real, then we ought to start living like it. It caught my attention, what kind of women’s conference starts with saying IF God is real… I mean, they know He’s real, duh.

Then I heard two testimonies.

One ex-prostitute with a really rough childhood/One sweet girl with a good upbringing. Both talking about what “God” was to them. One said he was an angry, vengeful, lightning thrower/One said a sweet Father-figure. One found Jesus through an overdose/One in the car. Both admit they were on the verge of death and cried out to God to take over every part of their life. “He finds us at the intersection of desperation and hope…We are asking you to be honest about what God is doing in your walk and maybe what the hard parts of that are…There is something about God’s love that you can not be selfish with…we both said, “I believe.”

Former Prostitutes, Christians who mess up, Feminist, Moms, Daughters, Sisters…what was this? All these girls in the same room getting real in a way I’ve never seen. This little blonde lady gets back up and was introducing one of the speakers and says something like…I may not agree with everything this woman has to say, but she is a sound, Jesus-loving woman and we can start there—I’m paraphrasing and probably butchering it. But there was unity in her words and I wanted to see more. I saw and watched hours of this conference, at my parent’s house, in my OU hoodie, under my OU blanket and realized I was at the intersection of desperation and hope.

And I wondered, “What was God up to?”

I went back to Rwanda, a little unsure how long I would be staying. A few days went by, then weeks, then months. I was focusing solely on how strong God was and just resting in that. I didn’t want to allow my silly human ego to step in and mess something up. I truly believed God was real and I wanted to start living my entire life like I believed it. We were doing a Bible study by the little blonde with a group of ladies—it was called stuck: the places we get stuck & the God who sets us free. As we were nearing the end of the study, I had heard this little blonde lady, Jennie Allen, was coming TO RWANDA! I wanted to meet her; I wanted her to know her challenge has completely rocked my world. She didn’t “bless” me, or make me a happier person. Her words wrecked me to the core of my faith…and it was awesome!

I will not admit to anything that might incriminate me in a stalking charge in writing, but I was able to make a connection with someone she was coming to meet and begged them to see if she could come to our Bible study. She came. She came late and on a motorcycle taxi and she stayed until way too late in the night…probably morning by that time. She talked about her journal and writing Bible studies when she was younger and described this pain to go deeper with God. I walked away and begged for that pain, begged for that sense of urgency to stop playing with my faith and start struggling for my faith (Lynne Hybels used this phrase at IF: 2015).

I asked her what we needed to do to host IF: Rwanda. I gave her some incredible pitch about how determined I am and how much I wanted it in Rwanda. She laughed and something like, just sign up and do it. Umm…ok! But me? Who am I? I’m the one only months ago was sitting in a recliner because I was burnt out from trying to do everyone on my own strength. Little did I know, God had some big plans on the horizon.

He sent this loud talking girl from Austin, TX to be my friend. You see, she doesn’t know this, but I had been praying for months for a friend who would eat sushi with me, because all my other sushi friends had left Rwanda. I wasn’t sure about her at first, she was loud and opinionated. She told me about this friend of her’s, Jennie Allen…the little blonde ball of Jesus-loving fire I had just met. She was drinking the IF: Koolaid. She lives everyday with all the fullness and strength God puts in her body. She opinionated and says things I’m too afraid to say, because she knows life is too short to mess around with words. She drinks in life and spews out truth. I like it!

We started small with a group of women and started IF: Table, which is a monthly fellowship meal and 4 discussion cards. You sit around the table, eat, and talk, who wouldn’t enjoy that? We started Galatians and then I left for my break in the US. When I came back, there were more women and it was a great discussion. But I heard several of the women express that they are tired of talking about their faith and ready to live it out. IF God is real, then what? What would our lives, families, homes, communities, workplace, free time, every moment look like if we start living like God is who He says He is.

There we found freedom. The bondage of being the perfect missionary, perfect Christian, perfect anything was broken in the name of the real God who we believed in!

People ask, “What is IF?” I really don’t know where to start. IF God is real, then I have freedom to let Him be God. I started talking to the loud-mouthed Texan about hosting IF: Rwanda. Let’s do it, I want to do try and see what happens, so we did.

What happened next and what is still moving, I can’t explain, but to say it’s absolutely the Holy Spirit. I still can’t describe what is happening in my life, except to say that I’m in love with my real God who is bigger and mightier than I will ever be able to imagine. I’m in love with His words and desire to spend time with Him. I want to talk to others about Him and what He’s doing. I have the IF: Equip app on my phone and sit and read my daily Bible study. I talk to my real God everyday and am excited to see what He wants to share with me that day. I talk to my IF: group about what we are reading and we challenge ourselves and what we’ve been taught against His words. I want a deeper understanding of who He is and what He wants for me.

That’s what IF: is to me. Not wasting time being too busy, or too scared, or too anything, but just being ready to show up.

Brene Brown says, “Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.” There are some parts of me I don’t want seen, they aren’t the fun parts, or happy parts, but they are parts of me. To show up and be seen is tough, one of the toughest things I think, ever. But in my ugly parts, people can see how God makes them beautiful.

IF God is perfect and I am in God, then I am made perfect. (read that again, I did NOT say I’m perfect, because I’m not, by a lot)

But I’m ready to show up, whether in the big things or the small things I want God to have all of my life.