My confessional: I hurt most of the time

This is something I rarely talk about, much less write about. So buckle in, I'm getting vulnerable here.

When I was young, up through high school, I was very active. I played softball, golf, any activity at youth events. If there was activity, I was there. During my senior year of high school, I noticed a lot of pain that I just couldn't describe, it was just all over. We were talking with my local college about playing my freshman year as a walk-on with the softball team, but as the heat of the summer kicked in, it wasn't an option. I remember the heartbreaking moment for me admitting that I had hit my limit. I could still play recreational ball, but competitive softball was over for me.

At the beginning of my sophomore year of college something was very wrong, but again, I couldn't explain it; I just hurt all over. I had to sit out a semester of school and my mom was on a mission to find out what was wrong. I was having blinding tension headaches and I constantly felt like I had the flu.

Fast forward through a lot of poking and prodding to the day a doctor told my mom that I had fibromyalgia. In 1999, there wasn't much out there about it and apparently, no one really believed it was a real disease. It is a phantom disease--you can't see it or really test for it, but you know it is there.

My responses:
First, anger. We finally had the cause of the end of me being able to do something that I enjoyed more than breathing (playing softball).

Second, depression. In my mind, I was now a cripple, I was handicapped, I was broken.

Third, more anger and depression.

Somewhere during anger and depression, I was prescribed to go to a physical therapist for the blinding headaches I was having. I was doped up on massive amounts medications--pain, sleep, inflammation, and who knows what else. After several interesting nights of not remembering doing things, like painting on the wall, I decided I was done with medications. Please do not misunderstand, I am not saying that all medicines are bad. I'm saying I was done with not being able to feel emotions because I was so numb and not remembering what I was doing.

As I continued to work with the physical therapist, I went back to school and finished my degree.

Over the next few years, I began to put into practice the things I had been taught by my therapist.

• When going to the grocery store, only buy one bag worth of groceries. More trips, less weight and physical stress on my body.
• Listen to my body. Know my limits and know that if I make the choice to push myself past those limits I need to give myself time to recover.
• I'm not superwoman, I can not and will not be able to keep up with everyone around me. I need rest sometimes and will have to miss out on things.

As much as I love my friends, especially those trying to offer support, there were many things that did not help that I would like to point out here, so you may avoid the same mistake.

• Don't tell me you understand my pain. You don't and that's ok, I still love you. I don't understand everything going on with you--it's all good. Just love me, but not through strong hugs--they hurt.
• Don't tell me that God is trying to teach me something through this. This only provokes my anger toward Him "giving" me this.
• Please never tell me that if I just pray a little harder without doubting that I will get rid of this. I have done this, I have had people pray over me, I believe fully in the power of prayer and may one day be healed of this, BUT don't tell me or imply that my prayers or faith haven't been strong enough.
• Don't tell me that I just need to go work out. I can do low impact work, but not everyday. There are days that I consider a strong success if I get out of bed.

Here's my life mantra: Do as much as I can on a good day and on a bad day I give myself the grace to do a little, or sometimes a lot, less.

Things I have learned through the last 15 years:

I am not cripple, handicapped or broken. 

God loves me and has given me some amazing gifts outside of being a shortstop. 

I'm completely who He made me to be. 

There will be days when I move a little slower and that is okay.

Pulling away from a hug or a shoulder grab isn't me being rude, I just hurt a lot and physical touch isn't always what I need to feel better.

My reality is that I hurt to some degree almost all the time. I don't like sharing this for several reasons: I don't want to be seen as a martyr, I don't want your pity and I don't want you to think I can't do something. 

I share this because I am tired of the enemy using it in my head to tear me down. I often hear him say that if people really knew this about me, they wouldn't financially support me to be here, or if people really knew that I need a full day of rest every week they will see me as not productive. I'm giving those lies over to Jesus. 

I do not HAVE fibromyalgia, I'm a servant of Jesus trying to live my life to the fullest I possibly can, but sometimes a little slower than others. ;)